What should I do first if I am facing a divorce or separation?

If there is any history or fear of domestic violence, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for safety planning first. Otherwise, note any legal deadline you have been given, decide with the other parent how to tell the children, and find a legal aid organization or free consultation.

What is the difference between legal and physical custody?

Legal custody is the right to make major decisions about a child’s education, healthcare, and upbringing. Physical custody determines where the child lives day to day. Both can be sole or joint, and the two do not have to match.

Do I need an attorney for a divorce?

Simple, uncontested cases may be manageable with self-help court resources. Contested custody, domestic violence, complex assets, or an uncooperative other party generally warrant legal representation, even if only for consultation on the harder parts.

Is mediation required for custody cases?

Many states require mediation before a contested custody case proceeds to trial. It is generally faster and less expensive than litigation, though it is not appropriate in situations involving domestic violence.

Disruptions Checklist

Separation, Divorce, and Custody Checklist. The immediate steps, and the plan that comes after.

Separation and divorce bring immediate steps and a longer plan. This checklist covers what needs attention in the first 24 hours, the basics to understand over the following three days, and the plan to build over the first month, including custody, finances, and the children.

20-30 days

typical response deadline once served

types of custody: legal and physical

1-800-799-7233

National Domestic Violence Hotline

households to budget for, not one

Phase 1

First 24 Hours.

A few things need attention today, starting with safety if it applies, and any deadline already in motion.

Safety and Children

Assess safety first if there is any history or fear of violence
Decide who tells the children, and how

Deadlines and Records

Note the exact date of any deadline you have been given
Find a legal aid organization or a free consultation
Locate tax returns, pay stubs, and the marriage certificate

Phase 2

First 72 Hours.

Custody, mediation, and child support all have basics worth understanding before decisions get made.

Custody Basics

Learn the difference between legal and physical custody
Check whether your state requires mediation
Understand your state's self-help court resources
Understand child support basics for your state

Record and School

Start a factual record, not a diary of grievances
Inform teachers and school counselors, without oversharing

Phase 3

First 30 Days.

A written parenting plan and a realistic two-household budget reduce conflict and financial strain considerably.

The Plan

Draft a realistic written parenting plan
Separate finances carefully, understanding your state's rules

Two-Household Budget

Build a realistic budget for two households, not one

Communication and Support

Establish a documented communication method with the other parent
Consider counseling, for yourself and for the children

Phase 4

What This Could Break Next.

Housing, children, your own health, and household finances all feel this. Each is preventable with one action.

Household Finances

Watch household costs during the two-household transition

Children

Watch for changes in children beyond normal adjustment

Your Health

Watch your own sleep, appetite, and functioning

My Readiness

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